An end and a beginning

My friend just had her baby girl and it made me cry.  I'm immensely happy for her, but that is not why I cried.  I cried because I was sad that I will never again be pregnant.  I cried because I will never again experience the excitement of giving birth and meeting my new child.  I cried because my pregnancy with Lydia was marred by uncertainty and fear.  I did not take maternity photos and set up a nursery.   I did not go into her birth excited, anticipating her joyful arrival.  I was scared and uncertain about what was to come. 

I am aware of how blessed we are with Lydia.  She is alive and thriving and on the verge of coming home after two months in the NICU.  She is amazing and I am aware of how lucky we are to have her.  Lydia was my last pregnancy.  I will not be having any more children.   Our family is complete. So a part of me, a very small part but a part nonetheless, begins to mourn my pregnancy journey.  And part of that mourning is the realization that I do not get to end my process with a happy typical pregnancy, but one that was frightening and hard.  And so I mourn what I will never have again.  Then I remind myself of my blessings and my beautiful children.  I am a mama, no matter what it took to get me there and that is the important part.  I am a mama.  And that journey will never end.