Home.

Well we did it.  We brought our baby girl home.  Linus is totally in love with her.  He wants to be by her side at all times and make sure she's happy.  When she cries he coos "it's ok Lydia, it's no big deal." 😂😍  He tells her he loves her and is so excited that we are all home together.  From the mouths of babes.  Jon is more than a little smitten too.  Lydia is simply amazing and I'm so glad these two get to see her every day and experience her.  We traversed. the NICU and made it out on the other side.  I am so grateful to the nurses and doctors that cared for Lydia and made the last two months bareable. They are angels.  These next few months will be some of the hardest and busiest months we will face yet, but with each other, we will make it through.  My wonderful, crazy, beautiful family.  

Two Months Old. Aka this post was supposed to go up days ago but I forgot to publish it...

I'm Lydia Odette is two months old!  I can't believe it has already been two months.  Life flies in the NICU.  Lydia continues to make amazing progress and weighs 10 lb 13 oz and is 22 in long.  She is breathing entirely on her own and just needs to get oral feedings down.  

On an amazing note, we are slated to bring this little squish home...TOMORROW!!!!!!  I can't believe that we are coming back home at eight weeks old.  When I was pregnant, we were told we would be facing new a minimum stay of 4-6 months.  We are leaving after two.  This little girl is truly a warrior and has surpassed everyone's expectations.  I can't wait to get you home baby girl!  

Just another day

M

My Daughter

I find myself wishing the time to go faster.  To get to a point where we are home and you are older, no longer needing a feeding tube, no longer being without me at night, no longer fighting.  I feel guilty for wishing your first months would hurry up.  I hope one day you'll forgive me for that.  I know I won't have as many memories of your beginning as I do your brothers.  Your baby book may be a bit lacking in your first months. I hope you'll understand.  I was a little busy.  I was by your side watching you fight for your life.  I was by your side, sick with worry as you fought your way back from ECMO and surgery.  I was there as you grew and gave a middle finger to the doctors predictions and did better than anyone could have predicted.  I was there, where I hope you never have to be.  With you, watching you, hurting for you, with you.  So forgive me for wishing these times would pass more quickly.  But I do.  Because I love you.  

Sushi Date Night

Jon and I decided to get a date night in before we bring Lydia home.  We went out for sushi, which is pretty much every date night we have. I had to spend three hours in traffic to get here, but it was worth it.   It was nice to spend some time just the two of us.

An end and a beginning

My friend just had her baby girl and it made me cry.  I'm immensely happy for her, but that is not why I cried.  I cried because I was sad that I will never again be pregnant.  I cried because I will never again experience the excitement of giving birth and meeting my new child.  I cried because my pregnancy with Lydia was marred by uncertainty and fear.  I did not take maternity photos and set up a nursery.   I did not go into her birth excited, anticipating her joyful arrival.  I was scared and uncertain about what was to come. 

I am aware of how blessed we are with Lydia.  She is alive and thriving and on the verge of coming home after two months in the NICU.  She is amazing and I am aware of how lucky we are to have her.  Lydia was my last pregnancy.  I will not be having any more children.   Our family is complete. So a part of me, a very small part but a part nonetheless, begins to mourn my pregnancy journey.  And part of that mourning is the realization that I do not get to end my process with a happy typical pregnancy, but one that was frightening and hard.  And so I mourn what I will never have again.  Then I remind myself of my blessings and my beautiful children.  I am a mama, no matter what it took to get me there and that is the important part.  I am a mama.  And that journey will never end.

NICU OOTD's

I've been feeling cute the past couple of days so I thought I'd post a couple outfit photos.  I know the photos aren't great and I'm no model, but I'm proud of what this body has accomplished and I guess I'm loving myself right now.  Bam.

And the beat goes on...

Ah life.  It's wonderfully weird and never what you expect it to be.  I never expected to be sitting here in a NICU pump room pumping that liquid gold that is breast milk while my daughter is lying in a crib being fed by a tube, but here I am.  Lydia is doing amazing and today we tried our first bottle.  She didn't love it, she didn't hate it.  We will be bringing her home with an NG (feeding) tube and to be honest I'm terrified.  It's not that we didn't expect it, because we always knew this was a possibility.  I'm just scared of learning how to replace the tube.  And everything else that this means.  Big changes are coming to the Rhoades household.  Big changes already have.  And the beat goes on.  

In my NICU bag

I've been living the NICU life for over a month now and I realized early in that I needed a bag just to carry to the hospital with me.  There are some things they I wil only carry to the NICU and I didn't want to have to constantly be switching things from this bag to my normal purse.  This way, I just switch my wallet and everything else stays in this bag.  Of course everyone's NICU experience is different.  This is just what works for me.   

Not pictured are my wallet, NICU ID badges, and pump parts.  As for the first aid bag, I found that it is perfect for carrying all the little things that would normally migrate to the bottom of your bag.  It helps keep my stuff organized.  My bag is just is black faux leather tote from Target.

Planner, notebook, snack, book, Kleenex, hair tie, and first aid kit bag that holds all my little ransoms.

Lotion, gum, medical tape (used to label clothes and toys), Chapstick, nipple cream, marker, pads, breast pads, kleenex

Happy birthday to me!

Today I turned 34.  I am officially my moms age.  Every year time flies by faster than it did in the year before.  I find myself trying to rember to enjoy each moment, and today that's what I did.  I watched my kids and husband sleep.  I ate ridiculously fattening food.  I enjoyed and soaked in every moment.  Happy birthday to me.