Mom Strong

Lately I feel like I'm coming back to life after a long dark journey.  Let me explain.  When we received Lydia's diagnosis during my pregnancy, I didn't fall apart.  Earlier that year, I had lost Eleanor at 20 weeks gestation.  I had lived through the death of a child and made it through (that is a whole different kind of darkness for another post).  I knew if that was Lydia's outcome, I would make it though again.  I didn't fall apart, but I did shut down internally.  On the outside, everyone saw a fairly happy coping person.  I actually got complimented on how well I was handling things.  I inside, I had shut off.  I was able to put on a brave face because I had truly stopped myself from feeling.  I didn't even ask why me.  It didn't matter why.  When Lydia was born and I'm the PICU, I allowed myself to cry, but stayed shut down.  Through the NICU and coming home, I was happy of every achievement she made, but did not feel true joy.  Lately I have felt myself coming back to life.  I've found myself smiling and laughing and really meaning it. I feel joy again.  It's a little frightening to let this guard I have put up come down.  Little by little, I chip away at it.  I will continue to tear down this wall and I will not let it own me.  I am strong enough.  I am a mom.